I’m going to be a parent. A father. A dad.
It’s still very early. Only two weeks since conception. It still hasn’t really sunken in fully. I allow myself to get excited and then I chastise myself for getting too far ahead. It’s still early I tell myself; like a child desperate for Christmas Day in October.
I want children. I’m 31 and it’s taken me almost as long to arrive at the doorstep of wanting fatherhood. My twenties were turbulent and I couldn’t imagine having children. They were a stone around your neck. Something to fear and loathe. The very thought made my blood run cold. I wasn’t ready and I never thought I would be. My older brother had a terrible time in a bad relationship and their child was a wedge that drove them apart.
I think differently now. A stable and loving relationship has taught me that a child will bring us closer together. It seems like a natural progression for us and it’s one that we both want. I’ve become very close with my nephews and enjoy every minute that I spend with them. Making them smile and laugh gives me great pleasure. Just watching them fills me with joy. I’ve seen one nephew grow into a proper little boy, one into a cheeky two year old and the third is only just starting his life’s journey.
Only a few weeks ago we started trying to start our family. We both felt ready and the time felt right. We didn’t expect to succeed quite so quickly. It only took a long weekend to successfully conceive. We’re both stunned at how quickly it happened and it’s making it hard for it to sink in. We both stare at the handful of positive pregnancy tests with some disbelief. Are they positive? We say. The line looks feint, she says.
Flashes of the future tumble through my mind randomly throughout the day. Moments not yet committed to memory play out in my mind. The first day at school. Crawling. Feeding. The birth. What will our child look like? Will she have my eyes or hers? Will she have brown hair? Will her nose look like hers or mine? Will she be a boy? Then reality bites. It’s too early to think too far ahead. Will I be a good dad? Please grow safe and strong.
You’re only four weeks old and there’s a long way to go but I’m already looking forward to meeting you. When you’re ready. Be safe and take your time.
